It's getting better, isn't it? I think so...so much so I can't even bear to look at the older stuff at the bottom! I worry at what shocking errors I will find...maybe it's better that way; signs of progression!
Sunday, July 20, 2008
...dead life
Amazing. That's the only word I can say to describe....'this'. This place, this feeling, this new life. That's if you can call it a life. My life, as you would traditionally call it, with a living pulse, a beating heart, blood coursing through my veins is gone. My life ceased to be a few short hours ago. My life with feet on the ground, feeling sensations via taste, smell, touch — all those things have gone too. I can't say yet what it is I do think or feel being...dead. Yet I'm not dead, I'm more alive now than I've ever felt in the living world. Only the clock on the wall tells me that my normal live ceased to be 127 minutes ago. Strangely, I feel as if I've been here before. If I could scratch my head to ponder this thought I would. It's puzzling in the extreme.
My head, the one I see before me lying on the hospital bed, had suffered huge trauma. The crash had also snapped a couple of vertebrae, my spinal cord was shredded, my left shoulder was out of its socket, I had dislocated a knee also, as well as two broken ankles, oh and a fractured arm and few broken metatarsals in my right foot. Otherwise, I looked just fine! My helmet had kept my face relatively injury free. A few bruises here and there, but to all intents and purposes I'm still as handsome as I ever was — it's just rest of me that's internally beyond repair.
Not that I can feel any of that now, I guess that's a bit of blessing. I never could feel any of it, apparently I died pretty much on impact with the 4x4 that I swerved into uncontrollably. Combined with the greasy weather conditions, the April showers and a couple of cats eyes in the road put pay to my time on Terra Firma. Now the only thing that is 'firm' is my new found reality, the dawn of a new state of being. So, what's it like being dead, you may ask? Apart from the fact that I cannot feel a thing, I still feel 6 feet tall, which was my natural height. I'm covered in a sheet with only my head showing, like I said, the helmet has mercifully retained my good looks. I look like I'm having a good kip, peaceful, like. Trouble is, I don't sleep on my back, nor do I stop breathing in my sleep. The vision of me I see before the new me, doesn't move a jot. It's still dawning on me that I'm here and not there.
Apart from that, how do I feel? I feel a weight off my mind, if you can excuse the pun — despite not being in the only state I've ever known, I feel calm, placid, lucid, and free. I have no restraints, no obvious limitations, nothing to make me feel as if I'm missing anything that I've left behind. It's akin to being given an encyclopedia on reality as it was, whilst I don't have the answers ready to hand, I can call upon them whenever I choose. For instance, all of my injuries that lead me to death; I know all of them, down the minutest crack and splinter. How do I know? I just do! Anything it seems that was a part of me or my life is seemingly becoming clearer by the minute. And that's the difference between real life and the life I have now. The two are entirely separate entities obviously, but when I was alive I worried every living second, my life was a selection of pros and cons to do the right thing. Any action I have here has no consequence, no cause and effect, so far at least.
Being in a hospital and being dead is quite possibly the best place to be to get acquainted with the other...dead. I've felt a few other like souls brush past me, I can feel them like static on clothes — a charge of electricity reaching out towards me. None of them have paid me any attention yet, I think I must be just another statistic. What's another new spirit in a place that's seen plenty before I? My dead body obviously won't be seeing anyone or anything ever again, but in my new found form I can feel much more than I can see. It's like having a 360 degree sensory field around me, a spirit form of GPS, I guess! I'm still transfixed to this room and looking at the former me, lying silent awaiting my final visitors. This is the final time that they shall ever set eyes on me, in the flesh anyway. They'll be here soon, no doubt.
It's a strange feeling to be able to sense in a way that I could never have done before. The mythical 'sixth sense' in the living world is the only sense I appear to have now. A huge wealth of knowledge will open up to me, I just know it will. I don't have to worry about when I will know, I can just sense it will happen. I'm learning every second (not that there's a sense of time when you're dead) but already I'm no longer feeling scared of not being on the Earthly plane. We've all heard it before, you hear of people who have long since passed visiting their families and stating that there's nothing to be afraid of — and it's true, there truly isn't. So far.
I can feel that 'static' again. Someone is coming. It's getting stronger now, much more than before, it's almost painful, but of course, I can't truly feel pain. The last pain I did feel, albeit fleetingly was a hundred times worse than this, as with everything this pain is different.
"Hi There!" a light, cheery female voice exclaims. "How you doin', stranger?"
I look around, and I can see her smile first. All teeth, a full pearly set of well defined teeth. Thin lips, quite pale but friendly. You can tell a lot from a mouth, I always thought. Her nose is small, but with a large bridge. Her eyes are shiny and blue, they radiate a warmth, a sizzling glow surrounds her whole face. Her hair is up in a pony tail and blonde. She looks younger than her age, possibly in her 50's. She's wearing a uniform, of course; she's a nurse. For a second I wonder if I'm really dead after all, but that feeling of electric pins and needles is still with me, so I'm re-assured I've not been dreaming. That would be a downer!
"Don't be scared, sweetie. Sylvie is here for you now." she reaches out a hand to my face.
"I'm not...I'm just...." I reply, somewhat nervously.
"I know, buzzing right?" she nods.
"Yeah, how did you know?" I feel like I'm back at school, being taught when I thought I knew it all.
"All the new ones feel it. And you're fresh meat, honey!" she smiles and laughs, mocking almost. "It's all about sensation now, kid. It's all you've got left. Those tingles will go soon, well the extreme ones anyway — you may get the odd jolt now and again when someone needs your attention, but at the minute, everything is new so you'll be an electric pin board! Heeee." she laughs, again.
"How do you mean, 'when someone needs my attention'?" the obvious question hits me.
"That's always the first question...well, kid — have you felt anyone yet?" her head turns slightly when she asks.
"Apart from you? No." I reply.
"No, I mean people you know, friends or family — your visitors." she looks down at 'me' on the hospital bed.
"No, not yet. They were here a while ago, but that was before I..." I pause, realising that this is the first time I'm talking to 'someone' about being dead.
"Died?" she nods and smiles again, re-assuringly.
"Yes. I guess so." Hearing it confirmed that I'm truly dead is comforting, yet somewhat final.
"You'll know when they're coming, you'll feel it. When someone needs you, you'll feel it. These feelings will grow in time, you are a baby, you're still learning, kid but you'll feel everything, much more so than when you were down there." she looks at my former self on the bed.
Sylvie sits and explains "It all takes time, I've been here so long that I don't even know what year it is; there's no clock here! Time becomes a loop and not a straight line, we don't exist in the same time and space as the living ones, it's just that nothing ever changes,"
"Must get dull though, surely?" I ask
"Oh no! Not at all, there's so much to observe or play with should we choose to. It takes all sorts to make up the 'dead' baby!" She giggles softly to herself.
"How do you mean, surely when you're dead, you're dead — right?"
"No, not really." her face shifts, as if she's told this a thousand times before."Y'see, some accept their fate, some don't. Some people are searching for something they can't find, or can't ever find. Some know where they are, some think they're just not really gone from the living plane, they're the troublesome ones. The ones that haven't reconciled themselves before they go. The pushers."
"The pushers? Who are they?" my new world is starting to complicate!
"They're the ones that waste all their energy by knocking stuff about, tugging at the sheets, pulling on curtains, general menaces, if you will. They want acceptance that people, the real people, can see them. But it's wasted energy, they think by forcing themselves on people that they'll be accepted. They want to be in both planes at once. And you can't do that, not for long anyway."
"So you can go back, if you want to?" I ask for clarity.
"It depends, some places you can't reach. No matter how much energy you have, you can't go to places you've never been to when you were...alive, to put it bluntly. Only places where your energy has been are places you can go, the same goes for the living people. You're naturally attracted to those that you've had the most contact with. You've left your imprint on them, so in theory you can see where they are, wherever they are. That's not always the case though. So, let's think...if your girlfriend is in a place which you yourself have never been to, you've got half the chance of being with her. If she's at home, in a place which you are both familiar, then you've got every chance of being able to visit. Y'unnerstand. kid?"
My new world seems to have far more rules and regulations, than I never thought possible. But how did she know I had a girlfriend?
"Because I have my link to you now, kid" she answers before I get a chance to speak. "We're of like minds, I can tell. And I've been here for many, many years. I can do all sorts of things that you can't even dream of." she giggles again. "Sorry, I say dream, it's a force of habit, there's no sleep or dreaming for you here."
"So..." I think of a question to fit my new found knowledge. "that's how I know of all my injuries?"
"Oh yes, you're the closest person to yourself! Only you will know everything about you; that knowledge will be just imprinted, you don't even have to try to know, y'just do." she puts a hand on my arm, she seems to say a lot without words. The re-assuring touch of an honest, caring nurse.
The possibilities seem to go far beyond what I could have imagined. There's no rule book to being dead, obviously but there's more to do, sense and feel than just milling about with other dead folk. Whilst this new knowledge is explaining issues by the minute, I do wonder about the downsides of knowing so much more than you could ever know on the living plane.
For the first time I think about the people I've left behind and a chill blasts from within me. My girlfriend, Jenna; my Mum and Dad; my Sister, and Jimbo, my fellow motorcycle courier who was with me when I crashed. Waves of sadness crash over me, an instant mourning for myself that I'll never be able to feel, smell, touch these people again.
Sylvie reaches out to hold me, and I duly accept. She knows how I'm feeling, she's seen this a thousand times before. She let's me rest her head under hers, a re-assuring energy ripples through me, like the warmth of a cosy blanket, charged with electricity. She doesn't say a word, leaving me to my private moment of realisation. No real words could ever encapsulate or compensate for the 'distance' now between myself and the world I've left behind.
At that moment my visitors arrive. My sister, Ali walks in first, chewing gum as ever. My Dad next who is holding my Mum, sobbing. Then Jenna, who's equally as distraught as my Mum is, she's being cradled by Jimbo as she staggers into the room, as if her legs have suddenly lost control. Mum and Dad sit next to me on my right. Jenna and Jimbo to my left — Jen sit whilst Jimbo stands behind her, his huge hands on her shoulders. Ali stands far away from the rest of them, chew, chew, chew. Not only is she chewing away, she's listening to her iPod! A single earphone is plugged into her ear, the cord probably unbeknownst to her is wired through her huge, huge hooped earring. If I could shake my head in disgust, I probably would. Not just for the fact that she's so terribly chavvy, but if you're going to listen to and iPod at least listen to it properly! She listens for something to occupy her mind, rather than to appreciate the art itself.
Mum is still sobbing manically, no wonder Sis is listening to music, it's enough to wake the dead. Dad looks on somewhat embarrassed to be there, not quite sure what's going on in front of his eyes. He's always lived in the clouds, which is no doubt where Ali gets her composed vagueness from. I should be happy to see them all, but all I'm feeling is contempt. From my new view, I am starting to sense things in a different light completely.
Jenna leans over to look at my face. She rubs the tears from her eyes and leans in as if to check for damage. Stroking my face, running a finger around my ear.
"He looks so peaceful." she says somewhat prophetically.
Mum gathers herself to nod in reply. "Is he cold?" she cannot bring herself to touch.
"A little. He still smells the same though." Jenna half smiles.
"He does, doesn't he?" Mum replies after a few seconds, as if to fill the void.
I feel an urge to cuddle Jen, for the first time I 'miss' her, and at exactly that moment she starts to cry, as if prompted by my thought. This, of course, sets Mum off and she bellows out. Both Dad and Jimbo reach in to console them. Ali still looks on, locked in her own iWorld, chew, chew chew.
In my abstract position, I feel totally detached, as if it's not really me down there. My figure they are all mourning, in various volumes and positions, the men somewhat stoic and supportive, the women (or two thirds of them) emotive and jarred. Chew chew chew, iChav remains removed and unmoved.
"How you doing?" Sylvie returns, announcing herself in a calm, soothing tone.
"I don't know, I feel strange I guess...I should feel a huge sadness for those down there, looking at me. I'm numb." I say, looking down at the scene before me.
"That's because you're different now, honey. Do you remember your dreams? When you felt on the edge of reality? It's like that here. You're never the same as what you were when you were living. You can't, you haven't got all the faculties you had before. All your senses are combined. Just don't become a Pusher!" she smiles and pokes me.
At that moment, I start to sense new information seeping through me. That electro-static tingle returns. Turning to Sylvie she smiles softly.
"What is it, hon?" she asks.
"It's my little sister...is she pregnant?" I exclaim, shocked and surprised at this news.
"I don't know, sweetie. She could be, only you can tell. I have no link to her, only those closest to her on this side can tell if that would be true, and the closest is you."
"She's only 15. She only knows how to put make-up on badly and shopping for those awful earrings. She can't know anything about sex! She's my little sis!"
Of course, this would explain why she's quietly skulking; she knows that herself, she just can't bare to tell Mum. News of my death would be bad enough, but to reveal that she's up the duff at 15 could no doubt send here to where I am now!
"Bloody hell, Ali...you stupid cow!" I yell. Nobody can hear me. Oh this is great...I lose everything for this super-sense to kick in and kick me in the balls (if I had them.)
Mum then starts to cry, her whole body appears to shake. Her hand wraps itself around my right hand as tears stream down her slightly wrinkled cheeks.
"Oh my baby boy, my son, MY SON!" she wails wholeheartedly. The rest of the room stirs along with her outburst. Dad stoops lower to hug her. That starts Jenna off and she is consoled by Jimbo as he places both arms around her shoulders and in a somewhat over friendly manner to which seems was in-appropriate. Ali chews harder and a single tear falls down her cheek.
Suddenly, I feel a huge sense of revulsion, anger and complete frustration. She's never ever called me her son. Not once. All the times I wanted a hug, wanted a scrape on my knee to be kissed better, to be held and cradled after another girlfriend callously dumped me for a less spottier model, I wanted that...love. Yet now she opens up when it's all too late — well, too late for me at least.
She sobs her heart out, waves of sound reverberate around the hospital room, the realisation that her son is dead, no longer breathing or able to make a sound. She's feeling for my pulse to see if it's really true. I'm not blue like you'd see in the films, maybe it's nicely controlled lighting, but I look the same. Maybe that's what disturbs her, seeing me a mangled mess would drive it home, but I look like a good shake would get me back on my feet; my body would be less than willing, however. Dad pulls her back to stop her searching for something she will never find.
"Leave me ALONE. He's MY Son." she shrugs him off in irritation with force. He stands back from the chair she is sat in and throws his hands up in the air, as if to indicate that's he's backing off.
At that moment, I feel a wave of information once more hit me. For a second I feel those pins and needles once more, shards of knowledge entering my new sense. I can tell it's about my Dad, but what? I look at his face and he doesn't look sad, if he does he's more sad for himself, like a chastised boy that's been naughty. Maybe it's guilt, as he taught me to ride and bought me my first bike. His best mate was Jimbo's Dad they...
...and then I feel almost thrown off balance, a shock wave of epic proportions moves over me. My Dad...Jimbo...Jimbo's Dad...related. Hang on, wait a minute. This can't be right. I look at Jimbo and whilst he's still holding Jen, he's looking at my Dad. He's more concerned with him than with anyone else in the room, even me.
Jim is my brother. Jim's Dad is...my Dad?
I look around for Sylvie, to see if she can help me.
"I don't like this...I'm feeling things I can't believe!" I exclaim.
"I know, I know...I wish I could have warned you but sometimes people don't know the truth until they get here, some know it all before they arrive. There's just no way of telling. I could have told you to expect this, sweetie; but it may never have happened. It just depends on what you 'old' life was like." Sylvie does her best to explain, but it's not helping.
When Mum said that "He's MY Son" she wasn't just laying it out in black and white, she was saying that I was hers and not his. It wasn't a moment of realisation it was a separation of feelings between Mum and...Brian. It's hard to immediately come to terms with the fact that the only man I knew as my Dad....wasn't. All the times I felt equally as distant from my parents and never knew why it all started to unravel. Mum couldn't be close to me until now, Dad couldn't be close to me because he didn't know how to be a Dad. Both of them together just masked the same feelings. I felt they were too alike, almost the same person at times. Only now do I get the complete picture. Brian was never allowed to get closer than Mum did, so she pushed him away. He must have bought me the bike to try and get that closeness that Mum wouldn't let him achieve with hugs and boy to man bonding.
"Mum, stop it. He's only trying to help." Jenna moaned through tears. Jen obviously doesn't know the truth. At least something is a secret to more than just me!
Brian and Jimbo exchange knowing glances. The kind I had witnessed many times before, but never ever could have guessed that we were really brothers. We played around so much that we could have been, we spent every weekend and practically every summer together. Working as a courier with Jim was just a natural extension of our youth, it was like we weren't meant to grow up, live and die together. We always said that we'd have to vet each others wives! The trouble being from my new vantage point, he seems to be taking a bit more interest in Jenna than I would like. His big arms wrapped around her, shielding her. He places a kiss on the top of her head, she holds his arm with a small hand and strokes him gently. As if to thank him for his kindness. If I had a beating heart now it would surely be frantic. Seeing my love in the arms of another man, worst of all my best friend, my newly found real life brother.
In inner rage boils within my newly created spirit, rising like hot lava. In the corner of the room, a TV turns on. The channel tunes in and words squeak out — "Leave her alone!" — and then the set turns itself off. Whether those words were generated by me or actually a broadcast I don't know, but I'm somewhat impressed with myself. Unfortunately, my audience barely notice as my Mum and Jenna are sobbing passionately, the men are solid and quiet, my sister just stares at the bed...chew, chew chew.
"Hey!" Sylvie cries, next to me again. "Don't do that! You'll turn into a Pusher!"
"Do what?" I ask "I only got angry! Don't I have the right? He's hitting on my girl!"
"Honey, she's not your girl any more. You've got to separate your life down there to your life up here. She may still love you, but she's moving on..."
Sylvie's words make sense, yet the timing is awful. Horrendous. It then dawns on me that I have little or no control in my new world, my new being, my new sense. Coming to terms with not being my former self is one thing, being able to learn still and pick up these new truths is quite something else. I may have been dead only a short while, but I have learned more over these short timeless hours than I ever could when I was alive. Is this really living after all?
With that, Mum shrugs off Dad/Brian and stands. She kisses me on my forehead, bends down to whisper in my ear...however, she cannot get the words out. She rests her head on mine for a few seconds and gets up to leave. Jenna turns into the arms of Jimbo and sobs. They all start to walk through the door, the men propping up the women ably as they go.
In that moment, Ali looks up — right at me, not the old me. The 'new' me, as if she knows where I am. Exactly where I am. "See you soon, Brother." and with that she smiles, nods, removes her chewing gum and leaves.